—Coffee Break—


Going Postal
By Cynthia Sabelhaus

        I’m miffed at the U.S. Postal Service, and I’m holding a grudge. In fact, I’m grudging against every elected official, as well as the powers behind the laughable “service” of the postal bureaucracy.
        I have more important things to do than bear grudges, and it’s taken me over a year to get to this place.
        A year ago, the mental giants who make up the Western Postal District decided that the civilized “take-a-number” system along with benches for waiting and tables for prepping your mail while you waited your turn were not efficient. They decreed that all post offices in the region were to remove benches and force patrons to stand in line. Some mental genius had determined that more customers could be served if they were lined up, waiting to spring at next available counter person.
        My personal theory is that this process was the brainchild (very wee child commensurate with aforementioned brain) of some power-hungry bureaucrat who liked the idea of lining people up to watch while he imagined himself going to lunch as soon as the line reached the next city block.
        So now uncomfortable postal customers have nothing to do but stand, face-forward, listening to other people’s business. They cannot check their PO boxes, finish addressing envelopes, or the countless other things that kept us occupied in the old system. Little old ladies limp painfully along in the line. Sick people cough on unsick people. Children fuss. Overall, it’s hard to imagine that any real productivity is gained.
        Okay, so I was already pissed at the post office before the latest insanity—the postal increase of 2007. Or, as I like to think of it: the random number postal meter. This is where I hold congress responsible. I wasn’t going to vote for any of the schmucks anyways—and I’m sure you can figure out a reason why nobody in their right mind would—but how could they possibly have thought the framework for the latest rate hike made any sense?
        Calliope cost between 60¢ and 80¢ last year. Imagine my surprise when the first issue under the new pricing structure cost 98¢, and that was for the smaller issue. The next issue was longer. I went back to the post office for stamps.
        The ogre behind the counter, who had been smirking at me and my fellow line-standers for the past 45 minutes, weighed the magazine. Then she bent it, measured it, and even slipped it through a slot in a piece of cardboard. Finally she decreed that this issue would have to be sent parcel post. It did not meet the criteria of a “flat” because it was not flexible.
        “Huh?” I asked, bending the issue myself and finding it totally flexible.
        “Nope,” she replied, pointing to the two 3/8ths inch staples. “Those staples don’t bend.” Parcel post will be $1.30 and could take 3-4 weeks to be delivered, depending on the time of year, fullness of the moon, and mood of the postal worker.
        I didn’t buy the stamps. I just couldn’t hand money to someone smirking that hard. Instead, I stopped at another post office. The price I got here was $1.14. The much nicer worker couldn’t believe I’d been told the ‘zine was not a flat, but she warned that someone else in the system might have yet a third interpretation, and if that happened at the distribution center, all the issues could be returned for more postage.
        I tried one more thing. I placed the issue in an envelope and returned to the original post office. Again the ogre bent, twisted, and rolled the item. She couldn’t see the tiny staples, and she couldn’t find them through the envelope. She concurred with Postal Worker #2 -- $1.14 should do the trick.
        Along my journey to postal nirvana, I learned that square items are verboten. Rectangular items are allowable only if the address runs parallel with the long side of the item. Of course, nothing can be more than ¼” thick. And nothing can be rigid. It’s all about the postal machinery. But even when I did comply with all the rules, postage has in-creased by a whopping 75%. So much for increasing literacy in the U.S. If our legislators had to pay for postage, perhaps they’d think twice about in-sane rate hikes. Or not.
        I’m in the middle of a government audit at the moment. Things are actually a bit quieter than they’ve been throughout 2007. My team and I have worked nonstop prepping for this event, and now all we can do is wait for the outcome. By the next “Coffee Break,” I will either be unemployed or back to my normal 50-hour work week. Either way, I’ll have some spare time again.
        Please join me in congratulating Pat Laster on her Calliope Lifetime Achievement Award. Pat has been a strong supporter of our little ‘zine for many years, a frequent contributor, and winner of every contest she entered. She became a contributing editor several years ago, and we’ve been enriched by her columns.
        I’m about to start another writing class. Ralph has also been taking some classes. Maybe we’ll put together a review article of sorts in 2008.
        The participation on our web site, while small, has been interesting. Please join the forum and tell us what you’re thinking. Or write a haiku. WRITE.
        And have a wonderful Thanksgiving. We’re all lucky in some way. Take a moment to ponder your blessings.
 
 
                                                                                                                                                       --Cynthia